Thursday, March 03, 2005

Won't you come home, Juanita Jean

Oh Spring is coming and it is the time for love. Sometimes it all works out and sometimes all that personal grooming goes for naught...gut wrenching emotions, fears, and hopes dashed upon the shoals of despair.

I know such despair.

In the dark year of 2004, not only did my beloved country fall deeper into the evil clutches of rougues, but Juanita Jean closed her beauty shop and left town, ripping a hole in the fabric of what little pleasure this nasty world deems to give a poor downtrodden soul.

Was it something I said? I know I shoulda been more helpful in the kitchen, and I guess I coulda left my boots on the porch instead of stinking up the living room, and I woulda taken you out more but, honey it was huntin' season and all...

Well I wrote some letters hoping Juanita Jean would come to her senses and realize how selfish she was being, wanting a personal life of her own like that...

November 2004

I'll miss you terrible. Intelligent life in this universe is hard to find. Come back whenever...All will be forgiven, no matter where you bin' , or who you bin' with...well almost, anyway.




February 2005

Sorry, I know you must have tons to do, but I miss you. It ain't the same, darlin', since you closed the shop, left, and went back to Momma. I'm still not sure what I did but that's a man's Lott in this old world. We never really know till it's too late to fix.

If there's anything I can do to help open Juanita's back up just say it...'cept for sending the back alimony checks, that is...a man's got pride when he aint got nothin' else, you know! Ain't got no money to send anyway since they closed the mill and started makin' the widgets in China. Lost my job as a greeter at Wal-mart when they found out Daddy voted for Kerry, but I can still make enough to catch a good buzz selling pee to the high school kids on the football team. King Cotton peach brandy don't show up in the "pee in the bottle tests", they say.

Anyway, just tested the link and see you're still depressed and layin' low, so I thought I'd say Hi.

Drop us a line if you feel like it. I saw a story on that Zoloft stuff so you better lay off it for a while, girl. it'll be allright, again, I promise...or it won't.

Love ya,



Well a man has to face reality, dammit, so I had about given up hope. I started hanging around other beauty shops but it twern't the same. Sure there was that nice perm chemical smell and nasty gossip, but Nobody but Juanita Jean had that perky snark going all day long. She could laugh real raunchy and smile sweetly and snip a local politician's left gonad off, throw it on the ground, and stomp it, before he even had time to spend his illegal campaign contributions.

I was hoping something would happen to bring the girl to her senses, but no...Tom Delay hasn't been indicted. Still there's always hope, even when the good times have faded to a wisp of bittersweet memory...

Then yesterday, I got this in the mail:

I had just about decided to quit this whole website business. There ain’t much money in it, and everybody whines like the dickens if you want to take some time off from entertaining them for free. But I keep getting hacked-off. And Lord knows that Tom DeLay’s name is gonna be in the news a lot and I just gotta have a place to snicker at him in public.

The World’s Most Dangerous Beauty Salon, Inc. is semi-almost-kinda back in business. I’m hoping to get a day pass to the White House pressroom. If Jeff Gannon is qualified, then Juanita Jean should be day pass valedictorian.


(Susan is just a fake name Juanita Jean uses, sometmes, to keep the tax people off her back, I think)

Oh, joy and jubilation! Damn, I can't wait to see her again. I might even get down on my knees and...and...scrub a toilet, if she'll really come back.

In her very own words she said:

Please join in the fun.

I've mentioned Juanita Jean to all you folks in earlier happier days and now she's back. Go see her, won't you? I have just one question though...What the heck is ocramole?

Love ya,


Juanita can start real soon helping Tom Delay pry one foot out of his mouth so he can stick the other one right back in...

DeLay also criticized the AARP, which claims a membership of 35 million people 50 and over and opposes the central tenet of Bush's proposal. The Texan said it was "incredibly irresponsible of AARP to be against a solution that hasn't been written yet," and he accused the group of hypocrisy...

OK, that was Tom Delay accusing someone else of hypocrisy!

Folks, we can't make that stuff up if we tried. Way too funny.

Tom, you lizard!

I don't know if being reasonable and telling the truth works with Tom Delay but some folks are trying:

AARP spokesman David Certner said the organization was opposed to "the central notion of trying to improve Social Security solvency by taking money out of Social Security. Even the administration has acknowledged that taking money out of Social Security does nothing to solve the solvency problem."

Truth comes easiest from the comedians:

“The United Nations said today that by the year 2050, the world's population will increase by forty percent. That increase will occur mostly in countries that currently struggle to provide adequate healthcare and education. Hey, that's us!” – Jay Leno

No comments:

Post a Comment