Thursday, April 28, 2005

I'm fixing a hole

We now have this exclusive report from our traveling correspondent just waking up in a cabin in the woods in Long Creek, South Carolina:


There you have it...Uh, wait, there's more. Our correspondent claims some one has entered his cabin while he was gone and...well...fixed things! There's no other way to put it.

The hole in the gable where the bats and flying squirrels used to come in out of the winter weather...fixed.

The bathroom door that wouldn't close? The one that had the bent nail for a lock? Fixed.

The stairway to heaven? Well that applies only if you are going up to the bedroom. Going UP a stairway can be done on all fours very safely. Just try coming DOWN a stairway on all fours! Think middle of the night, pressing need, dark...Got the picture? Anyway, it's fixed.

Ceiling in the bathroom? Fixe. d.

The Bedroom wall where the paneling had been left ununstalled for the last 18 years? Fixed. You can't even see the fiberglass insulation where the bats nested anymore.

Yep, we're having some work done and I have to admit...the place is looking better and better. I decided sometime back that I am a lazy person. Not just your normal "put things off" kinda lazy guy, but a world class lazy, championship Lazy, you would not believe the incredible list of things I haven't gotten finished.

There is a reason for all that, of course...I am, after all, promoting world peace, curing poverty, and saving the a Lazy sort of way. This gets in the way of carrying out the trash and putting up the dishes...and finishing the cabin. So I did the only manly thing I could do...hired someone to FIX It!

We're about halfway through the process and there are differences of opinion. For instance: Carpet versus the plain old plywood floor that has worked just fine for nearly two decades. Everyone knows that a hard plywood floor is a much better surface for smushing bugs on. Soft plush carpet? No way! Let us leave for now, the inevitable, "Why are scorpions getting into the house in the first place? Is there a hole somewhere? Why don't you...





Harold Ford is a Congressman from Tennessee who will probably run for Bill Frist's vacated Senate seat in '06. As you migth expect, the attacks have begun. One big news item from yesterday was that Ford took 61 trips since 2000, all paid for by someone else. And the big story is that only one Congressman took more trips than Congressman Ford.

Well I checked into this and guess what? I found out something even more damaging to his chances of being elected...

Congressman Harold Ford is a CHEAP DATE! We cannot elect this man to the Senate of the United States. If Harold Ford's standard of travel is imposed on the Senate, it could bring that august body to its knees! This could lead to balanced budgets and all sorts of other things that the United States Senate may not be able to flying coach class, not charging for travel expenses when you are already in the area of not taking your wife to every year at lobbyist expense, like Jimmy Sensenbrenner has. Jimmy's travel expenses were roughly three times what Harold's were.

Jimmy's average trip cost over Ten Thousand dollars! His most expensive one was to the Middle East, as in the United Arab Emirates. It was paid for by the Islamic Free Market Institute, which is one of those oxymoronic names I could work with but won't. Consider yourself spared. So what was Jimmy Sensenbrenner doing in Dubai?

Investigating Money laundering!


Can't make this stuff up!

Ok, so here's something you should already know: Congressman Stensenbrenner is a Republican. Harold Ford is a Democrat.

Harold's average trip cost one tenth of what his Republican counterpart's trips cost.

And unstead of going to Paris, Guatemala. Kazakstan. Tokyo, Bankok, Lichenstein, Belgium, and Lichenstein again, Harold Ford went to places like Nashville and Knoxville. That would be his home state, and what was Mr Ford doing in Knoxville? he gave a public policy speech to the graduating class...and most damaging of all to Mr. Ford's chances of being elected Senator from the great State of Tennessee, you know what he was paid for transportation expense?


Paid for it himself. The total cost of his trip?

$228 for lodging.

Dear Congressman Ford,

Having reviewed your travel expenses for the last four plus years, I have decided to offer my expertise in padding travel vouchers to your office at a reasonable rate for my consultations. You are much too honest to survive in the United States Senate. One ting we have learned over the years, is that Senatorial Frugality will not be tolerated.

I can help you in a very big way, Harold.

Call me!



Here's Harold's talley sheet:

Ford's too cheap

Now just for fun check Jimmy Stensenbrenner's and wonder why it didn't make the news:


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