Monday, January 10, 2005

Commander of the Resistance

(Steve has turned over today's rant to Commander Rapid, Leader of the Resistance)

The Homeland Security Department has refused comment on questions from several sources reguarding the possible invasion and infiltration of America's noblest institutions by beings from the planet Fund-X-tia. Called "FundXtians", they appear to have the intent of destroying all common sense left on the planet Earth.

Alert defenders of the planet have long known that certain self proclaimed cult leaders are in fact, FundXtians. Once this is realized, the sight of a Mr. Falwell proclaiming, on National television,

"We should blow them all to kingdom come, in the name of the Lord!"

can be directly attributed to FundXtian methods of war. The fact that American Citizens believe, for one second, that one of the greatest pacifists that ever lived wants innocent children dead, can only be attributed to FundXtian viruses infecting the brains of seemingly normal humans. It has been a FundXtian strategy that there is no need to conquer the entire body when only the brain is required.

FundXtian methods were used to drive peace loving Americans to accept the "goodness" of blowing up a house full of women and children on the off chance that Saddam Hussein could be inside. This was done on the order of a man claiming to be Pro-Life, wanting to force the will of the state inside the bodies of its citizens to save innocent potential children.

" Abortions are murder but killing Iraqi children and their mothers is an act of love," say the FundXtians!

"The Social Security system might lose $3.7 trillion in the next 75 years, " they say, while refusing to mention the FundXtian tax cut that costs $11.6 trillion over the same time frame. FundXtian Tax reform, now on the agenda, can only be as devastating as the FundXtian Medicare reform that saved Medicare last year by $8.1 trillion over the next 75 years.

How the FundXtians came here and took over the sacred institutions of America is only one part of the mystery...It now appears that over the entire world, this threat is real and growing, as evidenced by movements as diverse as the Fundamuslians, FundaMoonians, FundaMormians, FundaJudibats, and Republicans, also known as Funda-Moron-ians! So far, existing organizations have proved unable to counteract the growing devastation caused by the FundXtians. Of particular note are the Ineptocrats, though sensitive diagnostic equipment shows some brain activity. Only time will tell if this is true, and is of sufficient magnitude to mount a sufficient opposition force. There is fear that the Ineptocrats have already been infiltrated by FundXtian agents. This is the only possible explanation for the shrill, shaking, rantings of the Zellmillerbot at the FundaMoronian convention, prior to the disgraceful reelection of...I can't bring myself to type it but, yes, he's a FundXtian, too...

Citizens! You must prepare yourself for a long protracted struggle against evil FundXtia! Commander Rapid suggests you start by reading messages from the enlightened such as this one:


In the meantime, here is are photos of FundXtians with cloaking shields momentarily inoperative:


Persevere, Patriots! The Resistance Lives!

Commander Rapid

(In real life, Commander Rapid is a 1954 Studebaker. He currently resides on a small island in Whites Creek. The Commander asks you to check yourself often for the early warning signs of infection with the FundXtian virus! If you have ever watched President Bush on television and thought to yourself, "Hell, how much damage can he actually do?" you may already be infected!)

Steve recommends Lisa today:


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